Since parents have the duty and the right to be the first educators of their children, their primary concern is the physical and emotional well-being of their wards.

I am sure you all agree with me that good communication establishes solid ground to stand on when relationships encounter challenging situations. So, the next logical question is: What skills will help strengthen communication in our family?

I think it boils down basically to 2 vital processes a) SPEAK b) LISTEN

Both these processes have a no. of logical steps which you need to be aware of and practice until it becomes a Habit. So, to make the steps, easy to remember, I decided to expand on each word. Here…it goes….

SPEAK
S – State your thoughts/feelings(with eye contact). This will help you to be clear,direct and honest with your kids.

P – Practice what you want to say, before you say it. This will help you to think before you speak.

E – Evaluate a good time and place. (This is a very important step, as kids are very sensitive to this)

A – Ask your child to repeat what they have just heard. This will help you ensure that they heard it right and help your child to share his/her thoughts.

K – (very) Kindly ask your child to respond ……this then leads to the 2nd process…which is

LISTEN
L – Listen with an open mind. Pay attention. Don’t interrupt. Resist distracting thoughts.

I – Identify their ‘feelings’ part in the conversation/feedback. Feelings like frustrations, pain, difficulty, excitement etc.

S – Silence. Extremely important step. Don’t jump with your counter-comment. Let it sink in.

T – Tend the conversation. Use appropriate words, sounds & nods to show that you are interested.

E – Engage. Repeat what you just heard…and end it with a question to get a affirmation from your child that this is what he/she means by what  is being said.

N – Never interrupt them with your own opinions, feelings, thoughts etc…Keep it for the 1st process which is……

SPEAK….. then LISTEN then SPEAK then LISTEN…..and you both find a flow…a communication channel which is smooth, clear & enriching.

Care should be taken that this entire SPEAK-LISTEN loop is not disturbed with some common communication blockers like:

1.Interrogation – Come on parents, don’t behave like a cop with your kids.
2.Domination – Resist the urge to control and show who the Big Daddy is.
3.Yelling – This is usually the 1st re-action and mostly comes from a fear mindset.
4.Accusing – Give a chance to hear out the entire story before………..
5.Interpreting(your way) and then
6.Judging(their character rather than the situation) and finally the biggest monster……
7.Sulking – this silence treatment allows negative feelings to fester, creating a very uncomfortable environment for a productive conversation to take place.

If you can’t resist these blockers, then you have not really understood the above 2 processes. You need more practice

….and you are not alone…..your’s truly also keeps forgetting these basics and needs to be reminded of these

Let us all as responsible parents…try to practice these more frequently and make it into a habit. We owe this to our kids.

Now how do all these techniques apply to a situation where your child is more computer-savvy then you are?…and there arises a situation where your parental instinct tells you that something is not quite right…and you aren’t able to figure that out.

In today’s times…your Child needs the Internet….but remember, the Internet isn’t all good. There are a no. of SIGNS, that may signal a problem with your online kid. Let me help point out some:

• Screen-switching – the child suddenly switches the screen when you enter the room.
• Odd phone calls – this could be from total strangers
• Odd night hours – surfing/chatting during this time.
• Unusually upset when Internet connection is down for longer periods -this points to addiction.
• Social withdrawal – virtual relationships are more valued then real ones.

Taking a cue from these signs and applying the above mentioned techniques will help build effective communication and trust levels with your children. Parenting Gen-Z kids can be difficult, especially if you didn’t grow up with the same technologies that are available now. Please don’t be in denial of this. We can always learn and be of help to each other.

If you found some value in this article, I urge you to forward/refer/tweet this to your friends. If you have any further query please drop a mail at securechildhood@gmail.com or rao.devendra@gmail.com I would be glad to help.

Some of the salient findings of the study are as follows:

• 53% kids have shared personal information online
• 64% of 9-12 yr olds are members of social networking sites
• About 98% kids across cities access internet from homes
• About 21% said they were exposed to adult content, with the proportion being 40% in Mumbai and 28% in Bangalore.
• While 54% parents have generic security software on their PCs, a massive 77% are unaware of the specific software’s available to monitor child safety online.
• About 12% of the kids have reportedly faced online bullying.

This study clearly points out the following:

• Children are spending more time socializing on the net with friends than in real life, especially in the 9-12 year category.
• Many kids and parents are not fully aware of the threats present online.
• There seems to be a clear gap between how kids spend their time online and how parents perceive kids spend their time online.

In conclusion:

There’s a definite Internet usage patterns of Indian kids that has been emerging.

There seems to be a complete lack of adequate monitoring of online activities by parents.

We can safely conclude that as the number of teenagers and pre-teens rises, their parents’ awareness of their activities seems to be on a steady decline, what with the emergence of newer technologies and ever new techniques used by the bad guys out there.

There is an ever increasing need for installing a good family protection software to monitor kids online. A typical monitoring software should be able to report the internet activites(preferably in real-time -SMS’ing capabilities) among other features.

One of the lesser known and rarely reported trend is online bullying. This issue is a major concern and widely reported in western countries. Like all fads it would only be a matter of time that problems like bullying and sexting becomes a fad in India too.

Some medical experts have highlighted the fact that kids suffering from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder(ADHD) are prone to become cyber addicts.

Looking at the totality of the report, I would stress the following:

Parents should learn/understand what are the probable threats that their kids can face online. How best to protect them? How best to handle sensitive issues like adult content? Understand what exactly Privacy means and last but not the least the most important thing to remember is that parents need to keep communication channels with their children open and try to learn from them as well.

Here’s Leo’s views- simple, short and crisp

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How do you improve your life and find happiness when you’re a teen-ager, and can’t control much of your life?

You change what you can control, and let go of trying to control everything else.

Several teen-agers have written to me recently, asking for a post on how to improve their lives when they’re still under their parents’ control.

It’s not easy, I’ll admit. But there’s a lot you can do, no matter what your situation.

For example … if your parents are constantly getting mad at you, constantly negative, constantly controlling your life and not letting you do what you want to do, how do you handle that?

Try this:

Look at every interaction with your parents as an opportunity.

It’s an opportunity to practice patience.

It’s an opportunity to empathize and find compassion for others.

It’s an opportunity to let go of your expectations of what others should do.

It’s an opportunity to stop wishing things were other than they are.

It’s an opportunity to be grateful in the face of frustrations.

I know that it’s frustrating when you can’t do what you want to do. Teen-agers are rapidly becoming adults, and yet they’re not given the freedom, the respect, the rights of adults.

As a side note, this seems wrong to me. Why don’t we give teen-agers the freedoms of adults? I know most of you will have reasons, but say them out loud … and then think of how you’d feel if your spouse or friend used that as a reason to deny you of freedoms. And think of how those same reasons were used to deny minorities and women those same freedoms, not too long ago.

Anyhow, this is the world we live in. So how can teens cope with this? Some suggestions:

1. Stop trying to change what you can’t. You cannot change your parents. You might be able to change your situation with drastic moves, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, let go of the wishes you have that things were different. Things aren’t different, and wishing they were different just leads to frustrations. Accept things for what they are, see people for who they are, and work with that reality.

2. Figure out what you can change. Even if you have few freedoms, there are always small things you can change. Can you spend a few minutes doing sitting meditation? Can you eat more fruits & veggies? Can you walk more? Can you watch less TV and find a few minutes to create? Can you blog? Can you do some pushups in your room? Can you learn to be more grateful in every interaction with others? Can you slow down a bit? Can you smile more? There are lots and lots of small changes you can make, even if you can’t make the big ones you’d like to make.

3. You can always change your mind. Learn to live in the moment. Learn to be mindful of your thoughts. Learn to squash negative thinking. Learn to see the opportunities in everything. Learn to see mistakes and failures as an opportunity to learn and improve. Learn to be grateful, and compassionate, and kind.

4. Learn to live without control. If you don’t control much of your life, guess what? You’re like the rest of us. We only think we have control over our lives, but it’s an illusion. Instead, learn to give up that control, and deal moment to moment with what comes.

I’m no longer a teen-ager, so what I say might seem irrelevant, presumptuous. But I was a teen-ager once, and I am the father of three teens (and one pre-teen). I am a brother to two teens and uncle to many more. I do my best to show them respect and compassion, but know that they still feel frustrations. If they could learn these few lessons, they’d be far ahead of most people.

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Now Readers, if you liked this article, I ask you to actively share and forward it to all your contacts. A special thanks to Leo for allowing us to share his posts, thus making it possible to make the world a little better place to live in!!

Usually teenagers open up to their friends much more than to their parents; it’s a common phenomenon. This also goes for teachers. A teacher should also be a friend – should behave as a friend, talk as a friend. Then the gap gets bridged. Once the gap is bridged, love flows; communication happens. And once communication happens, virtually all the problems are solved. The biggest problem is lack of communication.

Recently a follower of Guruji Sr Sri Ravishankar, founder of the Art of Living, asked this question:

Q: Guruji how to handle a teenage child?

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar: Teenagers, when you have to manage them, you should know how to ride a horse – neither too lose nor too tight! Some times you let it loose, sometimes you hold it tight. So keep a balance.

I believe this analogy strongly hits home the advice that Guruji wants to give parents. No further advice needs to be given to them. However, for teenagers, Guruji has something more to say. What follows below is a message by him to all teenagers:

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Teen-age years are the most confusing years. You are no more a kid who can be pacified with toys and sweets, but you have also not matured enough in emotional terms. A new world has just opened up in front of you and it’s such a difficult time. On one hand, there are big highs! On the other hand, there are so many lows including loneliness. A child doesn’t feel lonely, but you do at times. Not only that, there are also so many hormonal changes taking place in your body. You become familiar with your own body, mind, emotions, urges and difficulties. Suddenly you begin to feel that nobody understands you because what parents say from their standpoint as parents – good or bad – doesn’t appeal to you. Long-term plans don’t exist. You want immediate solutions, immediate gratification, immediate, immediate… Everything should happen now! Instantly! You feel that adults do not understand you. And on the other hand, you can’t connect with small kids either. You have reached a stage where you find all the toys, all the simple games that you have outgrown, meaningless.

During these complicated years, you need to have hope. You need to develop an understanding about life; what you want to do, how to cope with your wants.

Dealing with emotions:

How to deal with our emotions? Big problem! Although we have grown older – beyond the ‘teenage’, we more often fail to grow beyond ‘teenage’ mentally. You know, our body grows in a particular sequence. In the first seven years, the physical body grows but the intellect does not grow; then up to fourteen years, the intellect grows. The period from 14 to 21 years is for emotional maturity. So the general belief is that you become physically mature, then intellectually mature and finally, you become emotionally mature.

However, many do not grow to that maturity at all. Lack of emotional maturity is always worrying about your emotions – feeling as though you are a victim of your own emotions: “Oh! I feel like this! I feel like that! What to do?” What will you do? Who cares about your feelings? Why do you worry so much about your feelings? Your feelings keep changing. Sometimes you feel bad; but the bad feeling doesn’t stay with you forever. It changes and you start feeling good once again; but even that ‘good’ feeling does not stay forever. Nobody can feel bad or good ALL the time; the good and bad feelings come like waves. You can’t stop a wave that has already arisen; nor can you make a wave rise just like that. Just as waves come and go, clouds come and go, so also emotions come and go. Waves of different emotion come. And they disappear. But we make it such a big issue: “Oh, I feel good! Oh, I feel bad! I feel this way, I feel that way, nobody cares for me…” – all these complaints keep bombarding our minds. This emotional garbage is so useless; and it is also a sign of emotional immaturity.

Emotional maturity, intellectual maturity, physical maturity; you need all these three ‘maturities’ to be a complete personality. Are you sharp and focused? Are you interested in learning and in growth? If yes, you have matured intellectually. And once you have matured intellectually, do not let emotional immaturity cloud your intellect. By the age of 21, you’re supposed to be emotionally and physically strong, and intellectually sharp. Hence, you acquire the right to vote, because you are supposed to be mature – an adult. But this seldom happens!

But what is the big deal about your feelings? I tell you, bundle them up and throw them into the ocean! Once you are rid of your ‘feelings’ you can be happy, in good spirits. Just examine why your spirits go down? More likely than not because somebody said something stupid to you. And why did they say a stupid thing? Because they had some garbage they needed to throw out; and you were there, ready to catch it. And once you have caught it, you hold on to it so passionately! Come on! Wake up! Don’t let your smile be snatched away by anybody!

In this world, everything cannot be perfect all the time. Even the best, the greatest of actions, performed with the noblest of intentions, will have some imperfections. It is but natural. Unfortunately, the tendency of our mind is to grab the imperfection and hold on to it. And in the process, we end up making our moods, our minds imperfect. Our souls reel with this nonsense.

It is imperative to get out of these cycles, and to become strong and courageous from within. And that which gives you that strength, that courage, that smile and that helps you to become unconditionally happy and loving is what is called spirituality.

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Thanks to Guruji for bestowing more clarity on this crucial aspect of Life.

I request you to forward this post to your contacts or tweet about this, so that the word spreads fast enough.

Apart from the mundane things and the day job, I have been speaking to a lot of Teens and of course Parents regarding safe online practices and the constantly changing and evolving cyberspace scenarios. I must say that these are really ‘Interesting and Challenging times’. With a lot of hype and activity going on, what with a complex convergence of social networking forums, real-time news feeds/leakages and a varied mix of multimedia spicing up the cauldron. It has never been this better, exciting and frightening….and believe me there’s still more to come…

Just completed a survey(shall post the survey report soon) with a few parents. The most obvious concerns were reflected in the survey and the 2 most common feedback/advice, that concerned parents would give their kids are as follows:

1. Don’t do anything which would put your Life in Danger.

2. Don’t do anything which might land you in jail or bring disrepute to family honour.

During this self-imposed sabbath from writing, I also had an opportunity to gel with a lot of teenagers at different forums -both online and offline. The 2nd most important concern (though paradoxical) on their minds is about how little their parents know about technology. (You may like to read this as well)

So for all my dear young friends, I believe this place (courtesy Google) is the right starting point to engage the oldies.

Psst…psst….the most important concern of some of these teens were that their ‘recently initiated’ parents were pestering them to befriend them on Facebook.

And as for the title of this blog post, its actually an ancient Chinese curse, which, while purporting to be a blessing, is in fact a curse -which translates to “May you experience much upheaval and trouble in your life”.

May the upheaval brought about by the rapidly changing technologies bring prosperity and loving connections instead. After all the ultimate purpose of technology should be to improve the quality of human lives.

….and yes, I promise to be in touch with you(my readers), more often…..Ciao

Defeat: Of late, I have been teaching my 8-year old son(Dodo – one among his many pet names-he has a soft corner for the extinct bird) to play chess. After ensuring that he understood the rules well, we started playing some friendly matches. I ‘defeated’ him many times and he would take the results sportingly, initially and later on with a lot of disappointment. Yesterday, I deliberately lost a match to him. As I started making one ‘silly mistake’ after another, I could see his face brightening up and finally when my king was cornered, he yelled-out “Check-Mate”. He was ecstatic and punching in the air and I was so Happy to see him. Savoured that moment of Defeat every bit

Victory: We have been celebrating his every small achievements at school or extra-curricular activities. Today, back from school, he called me up(I was in my office) as soon as he reached home to inform me that he won a prize for being neatly dressed at school. We are going to celebrate this small Victory as well. I asked him what he wanted. He asked me to get his favourite comic book. Tonight I am going to read out a story to him, by the bedside.

We have many such stories of defeat and victories. Why don’t you share yours in the comment section below.

The above statement is actually my tag-line for the online and offline initiative of my Secure Childhood project.

One thing we all agree, that with every generation, human beings evolve as a smarter and intelligent specie. Such evolution brings along challenges of its own. And parenting is one of those challenges thrown up by life.

A lot has been written,counseled and dissected about this topic. What we usually term as a generation gap, looks even wider as far as understanding the nuances of technology goes vis-a-vis parent-child relationships. Rapidly changing technology adds to the dilemma and makes the gap look even broader. I have had parents telling me how handicapped they feel keeping pace with their teenagers while using and understanding computers. Students too, in their interaction with me have complained how their parents aren’t tech-savvy and why they prefer not to discuss jargons with them.

My experience, unfortunately shows, that this gap isn’t limited only to tech related stuff. It is also true about non-techie things. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if efforts are made to bridge the gaps in all aspects? Secure Childhood is not just about the technical aspects, its also about efforts to create a warm, loving and trustworthy environment between parents and children.

As I write this, I am reminded of an article written by Steve Pavlina. In brief this is what the article says:

• We as adults make a lot of mistakes and take wrong decisions not only as parents but also as human-beings. The results of these mistakes shows up later in life especially when your kids become teens and situations creating a lot of conflict and stress between parent-child arise.
• Steve goes on to give some advice on how to handle the situation of being trapped as a teenager by your own parents failings. The advice given by him is:

1. Accept the Truth of your situation

2. Take responsibility and exercise your personal authority

3. Communicate your desires and don’t complain

4. See the true intelligence of your parents.

5. Adopt substitute parents ( similar to the advice given by Robert Kiyosaki in his book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad)

6. Recognise that your parents are still right sometimes.

You can read the entire article “Smarter than your Parents” here

In conclusion, I would like to say that Parents are still the most wonderful people we have in our lives, even with their fallacies. They truly care about you even though they may be ignorant about certain things in life.  The collective experiential wisdom gathered by them over their life-time can truly guard children from vulnerabilities – both online and offline.

If you appreciate the views expressed above, then I encourage you to kindly add your comments at the bottom of this post. I would love to hear from you and have an engaging dialogue with my readers.

The simplest way is to click on the history button of the web browser. There are some good Parental Control software’s available which have excellent features. They have the ability to directly mail you browsing and other related reports. They can alert you and let you take proactive measures. You get to know what they are surfing and which sites they are visiting. Reviewing of browsing history is just one part of the monitoring process. There are many others. Don’t get overwhelmed. Try to educate yourself as much and whenever possible. Or take help of experts who can guide you with the technical aspects of monitoring. But let me remind you once again, it is Trust which is supreme.